... down a hole.

Yes, it's official.  Wipe those fangs boys and girls!  We at Brainbooger.com know you're thirsty for top-shelf dish, that's why we've wasted no time confirming through our anonymous mole (M-O-L-E) that three of the finest actors from across the pond have been dueling it out in what can only be described as THE MOST critical casting decision since Sharon Stone's waxer in Basic Instinct 2. 

Producers for the super-popular Twilight franchise have reportedly bitten into their last costar for a HIGHLY secret, 6th installment of the series--Vampire Teef: Deathly Hollow-Tips.

“They’re all fantastically handsome with oodles of charisma and talent, that goes without saying, but in the end we felt JPF was the obvious choice, since he's clearly the palest--his skin tone is naturally that of sour milk blended with cigarette ash, exactly what we're looking for.” -Casting

Of course the actors had to be judged superficially, but the true test was to find out which leading man was most willing to sink his teeth into the role. 

For their first challenge, the three contenders were asked to show off their blood-sucking skills by biting into the neck of Simon Cowell to see how much humanity they could extract in 30 seconds.

Miraculously, all three failed to withdraw a single drop from Cowell,

“That was ABSOLUTELY the STEWPIDEST performance, I’ve ever seen… I’m a heartless bahstud, what the BLOODY HELL do I need blood for?” - Simon C.

Since Cowell was no help in thinning out the aspiring bloodsuckers, the three hopefuls began preparing for a final challenge--seeing who could drink the largest quantity of Kristen Stewart’s period blood while hanging upside down from Stephanie Meyers’ nipple rings--when Ralph Fiennes received a call from his agent.

Apparently, elements of the secret Twilight part 6 were dangerously similar to the Harry Potter franchise, cursing Ralph’s involvement with a conflict of interest.  Expeliamos!  No, seriously. 

Fighting hollow-tooth and nail to to stay in the running, Fiennes proclaimed with fervent zeal that in Vampire Teef, the seductively evil and notoriously promiscuous lead vampiress, Vulvawart--to which he would ultimately be playing love interest--was SIGNIFICANTLY dissimilar from her Harry Potter counterpart in both wardrobe AND pole-dancing virtuosity,  therefore safe from violating any sort of trademark. 

He was promptly told that even playing alongside an evil villain that is, in ANY way, shaven bald and using a vibrating wand, would be considered creative infringement and a breach of contract.   

Then, just moments after Ralph Fiennes was given the boot, Liam NEESON'S agent calls, informing him that Michael Bay wants to do a sequel to Rob Roy and is willing to allow Neeson the creative license he’s so desperately sought his entire career--a chance to do 'full frontal' in a summer blockbuster, set in his native Scotland.

Well, needless to say Liam was happier than a schoolboy, knowing he was finally about to make the sequel he’d spent over a DECADE exercising his kegel for-- Rob’s Roy: Gruesome More.

In the end, there was only one vampire left hanging from Mrs. Myers' nipple rings,

“I’m truly blessed to be a part of such a popular franchise.  The first chance I get, I’m calling Jason Statham and telling him Robert Pattinson called him a tosser.  With Pattinson paralyzed from the neck down I can easily drop a few roofies into Kirsten's cigarette, then tie her shoelaces together.  After she falls asleep I’ll sharpie Brainbooger.com on her forehead, which will probably remain there for months since I hear she no longer washes her hair or has a reflection.” -JPF